Best Funny Facebook Status Updates

Here are some of the funniest facebook status updates. Laugh yourself out.


Kate.... if only life came with a ◄◄ REW ► PLAY ▌▌PAUSE █▌STOP ►► FF

Dave.... scratch here â–’â–’â–’â–’â–’â–’â–’â–’â–’â–’â–’â–’â–’â–’ to reveal today's status.

Kate.... Nobody wished me a happy birthday today, which isn't surprising really, since it isn't my birthday.

Dave... ”The greatest thing about Facebook, is that you can quote something and totally make up the source.” – George Washington

Kate.... is about to stick a pin in your voodoo doll... brace yourself..

Dave.... ♬ ♫ ♪ ılıll|̲̅̅●̲̅̅|̲̅̅=̲̅̅|̲̅̅●̲̅̅|llılı ♪ ♫ ♬

Kate.... is going to jail, directly to jail. She is not passing go. She is not collecting $200.

Dave.... Note to vegetarians: My food poops on your food. Enjoy that salad!

Kate.... Just realized the tooth fairy teaches us to sell our body parts for money!

Dave.... Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?

Kate.... I just read last year 4,153,237 ppl got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

Dave.... Don't you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn't want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop.

Kate.... 43% of all statistics are made up on the spot. Hell, 72% of people know that!

Dave.... Never make the same mistake twice, There are so many new ones, Try a different one each day.

Kate.... status under construction ██████████████] 99%

Dave.... Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday.

Kate.... Dear Pringles, Now that I am no longer a child, I can no longer fit my hand inside your tube of deliciousness. Work on that.

Dave.... believes that the problem with being punctual is that there is rarely anyone there to appreciate it.

Kate.... I will find out why the correspondence course on “Mail Fraud” that I purchased never showed up.

Dave.... You know your job is shіt when the parking meter outside where you work makes more per hour than you do.

Kate.... ٩(•̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ ٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃•̃)۶

Dave.... Cut here —————–-———————-

Kate.... I hated it when old aunts came up to me after weddings and said "you are next". They stopped that when I did began to do the same to them after funerals.

Dave.... I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness

Kate.... Invented Al Gore

Dave.... ¿ǝʍ ǝɹɐ pǝƃuǝןןɐɥɔ-ǝןƃooƃ ˙˙˙ʇxǝʇ uʍop ǝpısdn ʎq ǝɹɐ ǝןdoǝd pǝssǝɹdɯı ʍoɥ ʎuunɟ s,ʇı sʞuıɥʇ

Kate.... Just bought a new warddrobe from focus, looked at the box and was surprised to find it said " Self Assembly "..... I've been sat here now for three fu*k*ng hours and yet it still hasnt put itself together

Dave.... Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. Everyone thinks he has enough.

Kate.... I have a friend whose status says 'suicidal standing on edge of cliff'. I poked him.

Dave.... Is proud of himself, he finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.

Kate.... ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

Dave.... Does performing oral sex on women provide a good source of Omega3?

Kate.... ̿̿̿ ̿' ̿'̵͇̿̿з=(•̪●)=ε/̵͇̿̿/'̿'̿ ̿ this is a stick-up... give me ALL yo [̲̅$̲̅(̲̅1̲̅)̲̅$̲̅]!

Dave.... Isn't going to take life seriously... Nobody gets out alive anyway.


Kate.... ⒽⒶⓅⓅⓨ ⓃⒺⓌ ⓎⒺⒶⓇ


Dave.... If you smacked a kid in the face with a bottle of Johnson's No More Tears, would it create beautiful irony?

Kate.... Is beating her current record for number of consecutive days alive.

Dave.... Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Kate.... ► PlayTheMoments ▌▌ PauseTheMemories ■ StopThePain ◄◄ RewindTheHappiness.

Dave.... Just changed the name of my iPod to "the titanic" so whenever i plug it in to my computer it says "the titanic is syncing"

Kate.... Dont you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?

Dave.... "Had a super busy day today converting oxygen into carbon dioxide."

Kate.... I Liked your Status and now 25 notifications later........I'm hating me for Liking your status!

Dave... I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you... the more you have the longer you live.

Katie... I just read a list of 'the 100 things to do before you die'. I'm pretty surprised 'yell for help' wasn't one of them...

Dave... is wondering where noah kept woodpeckers on his ark

Katie... thinks that if your relationship status says, "It's complicated" that you should stop kidding yourself and change it to "Single"

Dave.... Is wondering if you can grow mаrijuana on Farmville then sell it on Mafia Wars?

Kate.... is coloring on your wall! ((̲̅ ̲̅(̲̅C̲̅r̲̅a̲̅y̲̅o̲̅l̲̲̅̅a̲̅( ̲̅̅((>

Dave.... Build a man a fire and he is warm for a day. Set him on fire, and he is warm for the rest of his life.

Kate.... --^v--^v--^v--^v-_____^v--^v--^v-- For a second there, I was bored to death.

Dave... Top Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked "do you have any firearms with you?" do not reply "what do you need?"

Source:http://hubpages.com/hub/Funny-Statuses-For-Facebook

Thanks .. ! 

Thanks a lot, man!